Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
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The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
what’s more important?
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?