@NintenDom: Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits.
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@onion_an: Me: My dog has gone missing Dog pound: What colour is it? Me: Brown Dog pound: Sex? Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
@mablazarus: Someday you'll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
@TheMichaelRock: Me: The bathroom Wife: What? Me: I was about to get off the couch and just wanted to stop you before you asked where I was going.
@DillDoes: You can't spell "secret government conspiracies" without that 27th letter of the alphabet that they're hiding from us