Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
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Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*