Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
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I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
oh my god
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
the icebreaker
Overindulged this afternoon.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”