Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
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An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.