Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
You Might Also Like
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*