I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
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Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.