Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
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I camp so other people don’t have to.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.