@DaddyJew: Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn't I?
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@AlexvanBeek: Imagine how much more useful Superman would've been if he'd helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
@imence2: I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week...because there's just some things they should learn from their dad.
@LeBearGirdle: Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?! Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope