2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
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Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
This is my pinned tweet
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*