Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
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When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans: