During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
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“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much