Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
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Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind