Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
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Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
181.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
every. time.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.