Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
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I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play