There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
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You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Barbie gone wild
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.