Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
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It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
I’ve had worse
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.