ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
You Might Also Like
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Me :
All Day At Night
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.