Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
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Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Finally, a door that understands me
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife: