Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
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An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
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The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.