Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
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waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Stop sending me this shit.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter