Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
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First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!