Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
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My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you