*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
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My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.