Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
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*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.