Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
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But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK