Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
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Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I needed a laugh this morning.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
The internet is magic sometimes.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options