Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
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Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
They’re on their honeymoon
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school