And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
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They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Dolls on drugs
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better