*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
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Why is it spelled camouflage and not
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
I have never related to anyone more.