Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
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Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean