[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
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Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”