@pixelatedboat: Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave's body
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@usermcuserface: Mary and Joseph watch the 3 wise men leave M: I can't believe they went off the registry. J: I know! Even the son of god needs burp cloths.
@Hellaphantitis: At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
@iwearaonesie: *gets out of bed* *steps on something* me: Ugh *turns light on* wife: What is it? me: The cat caught another smart car
@Notoliviasteel: Cop : HANDS IN THE AIR! Me: *drunk, starts flailing arms* Cop: NO, NOT LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE