Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
You Might Also Like
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
congratulations to them
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me