@pixelatedboat: Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave's body
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@Steelers1972: Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
@Dorkstress: Cop: Ma'am, what's in the bottle? Me: Just some water. Cop: Ma'am that's wine... Me: Jesus did it again!!
@djdarrellripley: Me: I forbid you to go! Her: What was that? Me: You heard me! I said, "I'd really appreciate it if you'd reconsider!"
@RealSugarFree: So far at work I've straightened a paper clip then tried bending it back to its original shape. Employee of the month right here.