[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
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Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
wish me luck lads
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.