[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
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The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”