[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
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During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.