Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
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Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Worst Native American name ever.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.