Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
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christening a ship with an overripe banana
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.