OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
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STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.