@ceejoyner: OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I'm fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
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@MattMcElaney: Cashier's playing dumb cause I said "venti" at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
@jordan_stratton: [Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream] Oh my god, Linda, it's like you've never even heard of ants.
@lilgapeach30: Who the hell decided "have a happy period" was an okay thing to write on maxi pads? "NOT WORTH THE JAIL TIME" would have been more relevant.
@dyldonot: [first date] me: don't let her know you vocalise everything you think her: what? me: shit she knows