OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
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Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.