Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
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[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
I’m not wrong
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.