Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
You Might Also Like
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Cinematography is my passion
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
drew a comic about my origin story
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.