officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
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HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
As the Lord intended
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo