Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
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Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
This is the best one I’ve seen
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free