Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
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Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Guantanamo Bae
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert