OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
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wat if harry poter was pokemon
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
I missed you with all my darts
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?