Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
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Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?