OH. COME. ON.
You Might Also Like
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
still the best tweet of the year by far
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*