OH. COME. ON.
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Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
synchronized noseblowing
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.