Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
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Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…