Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
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Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
❤️🦆
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
October already? What’s next? November????
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong