@AaronFullerton: "Oh, don't use that picture of me, honey. Please, I look so old in that one. You must have a better picture." -Whistler's Mother
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@ibid78: After I undress you with my eyes I redress you with my eyes because it's still January so it's super cold out and I have considerate eyes.
@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: I can’t run as fast as everybody else. Me: Why not? 3-year-old: I don’t have enough feet.
@ANastyGorilla: My brother's so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he'd kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
@Rlpihl: [Family Feud] What's your answer?! *whispers into microphone* Please help me, I don't even know these people