me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
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Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*